I've been pondering a peculiar conundrum over the past week. I've noticed that when people are presented with a way to improve a difficult situation or to have their life match what's in their imagination, despite their excitement of the possibility, many say, "no," to it. They may be showing up to some really supportive places too, like life expanding retreats, or regular visits to their naturopath or healer, or eating well and getting regular exercise, etc. Maybe I'm just talking about myself here, yet when the rubber meets the road, at some point along the way, the no's have their way. As I implied, I'm not exempt from this. As I've noticed it in others, I see it myself.
Here's what it sounds like:
My boss won't let me.
My husband/wife/partner/significant other /parents/family/community won't like it or won't let me. (I'm have a master's degree in this one).
I don't have the time. (I'm sporting double degrees in this).
I don't have the money. (This is legit and is a cover. I have a certificate here too).
My life isn't about me right now.
I'd love to but I could never do that.
I'm not creative. (I used to say I couldn't write. Whaaaattttt???)
I'm not intuitive.
It has always been this way. (This bubbles below this surface for me and Hope is my antidote).
It's too big. What can one person do? (I feel this regularly. Don't worry, I have an antidote for this too).
My whole world is falling apart and there's nothing I can do about it expect to keep going. (I've told myself this story too. And while it was falling apart, there was still something I could do).
That's impossible (for me).
Yesterday, my mental pondering met my emotional body and I dissolved into grief over this conundrum. And I cried. And I rocked. And I shook. And I let the tears fall down my face as I lay on my naturopath's table; witnessed by him and by his dedicated student and by daughter, Frances.
All that movement shook free the insights I was seeking. Until then all of it felt stuck and inaccessible inside of me.
Now, I'm hearing these, "no's" and, "maybe later's," from very capable people, myself included. We are sincere and driven and care a whole lot. So here's what I think is going on here.
There's the fear of change. That one is pretty obvious and though it's real, it's also a bit stale thanks to popular culture. There are legitimate reasons for saying, "no." And there are a couple of players in the background that are hijacking our thoughts and our actions, which leads to perpetuating the false story about what we can and cannot do, which leads to, "no's when we'd like to say, "yes."
I'd like to introduce you to the Absolutes and the Power Over's.
The Absolutes are the beliefs we hold that are set. Some are of great service, (like if I step off that cliff, I will die). And some aren't, (like if I pursue my dream, I will die or lose something or someone). They are the never's, always, have to's, not's, and don't have's, (to name a few). They are also the causes and effects. If this happens, then this will happen. End of story.
The Power Over's are the ones to whom we have handed our authority. They are the bosses, the significant others, the parents, the children, the government, God/Goddess.
This isn't insurmountable. In fact, this is where I geek out because I love the antidotes!
But first, have you ever tried to fight with your, "no's?" You know, meet them head on? How did that work out for you? I lose that fight almost every time. I have found that the fight is food for the, "no." They just get bigger and stronger the more I meet them head on. With that, I'd like to introduce you to my biggest friends and advocates for burping out a, "yes," even when I'm afraid and can feel the, "no," inside me.
And - bye bye Absolutes. Hello AND! It's "no" and yes."
Or - It's this and that, or something else.
Power Through - This isn't the traditional definition of pushing through. It's reclaiming our personal authority and running our power through ourselves. It's having what may feel like difficult conversations. It's feeling our feet on the ground and the ground beneath our feet and running our energy through our body and out our vocal chords.
Compassion - Oh so much compassion. For the self. For the other. It's about asking questions, listening, and being heard.
Loving Kindness - Love. Loving. Love in Kindness. Loving Kindness.
Courage - My favorite magic cocktail is called, The Power Through. It's 1 part Courage, 1 part And/Or (whichever you have available), and 1 part Love. It gets the job done every time.
Gentle Diligence - this is not a mission of seeking and destroying limiting beliefs. It's about being the witness, the silent watcher whose very existence helps us to dissolve our "no's" when we want to say, "yes," into And/Or.
A Tribe - There's nothing like having a tribe to support and cheer on and who supports and cheers us on in life. Connection matters.
As I come to a close on these thoughts, it occurs to me that it's important to work with these, "no's," so we can get to the True No. The No that keeps us on our path rather than the one that keeps us off of it. To that No, I say Yes!
Thank you for reading. I'd love to hear how you work with your, "no" when you want to say, "yes." And I'm curious to learn how you know when you're speaking a True No. Please hit the reply button and tell me about it.
Wishing you joy,
Welcome. This is where I share what's on my mind and in my heart. You'll see that there's an offer to work with me in every letter. I'm shifting that as I go. Whether the offers excite you or turn you off I hope you find a juicy nugget or two in here that infuses you with more of you. Be kind to yourself because you rock. - Kate
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